Thankfully (and mercifully) God allowed me to hear the sweetest words my
soul longed to hear come from my mom's lips. He did this so my soul would be at peace. I am so grateful to him, I mean, how many people get that gift, the gift of complete assurance, knowing their erring loved one repented and is in heaven after they die? I was so tired that night, I had been up for nearly 22 hours, taking care of her and my family. I told her that I had to take a little nap, but that I would be right there if she needed me. A little while later, as I was dozing in and out of zombie consciousness, that is when I heard her small sincere voice say into the darkness, "Jesus, I am so sorry for being such a liar." "That is all she said, and when I heard it, the relief that hit my soul, was indescribable. A few hours later, she was not able to talk anymore. Even after she died and was cremated, I refused to give up on my faith. Now that is a surreal experience. Holding your mom's ashes in your lap, all the while believing God can and would bring her back to life. Abraham would have been so proud, right? I actually believe that I would get a phone call from the Monterey police dept. saying that my mom was alive and wondering around in her birthday suit on the beach her ashes were poured out. Yeah, that is kinda crazy. At last, after many weeks of waiting for that fantasy phone call from authorities that never came, that is when it finally hit me. She was gone. She was not going to be coming back, at least not until Jesus did.
soul longed to hear come from my mom's lips. He did this so my soul would be at peace. I am so grateful to him, I mean, how many people get that gift, the gift of complete assurance, knowing their erring loved one repented and is in heaven after they die? I was so tired that night, I had been up for nearly 22 hours, taking care of her and my family. I told her that I had to take a little nap, but that I would be right there if she needed me. A little while later, as I was dozing in and out of zombie consciousness, that is when I heard her small sincere voice say into the darkness, "Jesus, I am so sorry for being such a liar." "That is all she said, and when I heard it, the relief that hit my soul, was indescribable. A few hours later, she was not able to talk anymore. Even after she died and was cremated, I refused to give up on my faith. Now that is a surreal experience. Holding your mom's ashes in your lap, all the while believing God can and would bring her back to life. Abraham would have been so proud, right? I actually believe that I would get a phone call from the Monterey police dept. saying that my mom was alive and wondering around in her birthday suit on the beach her ashes were poured out. Yeah, that is kinda crazy. At last, after many weeks of waiting for that fantasy phone call from authorities that never came, that is when it finally hit me. She was gone. She was not going to be coming back, at least not until Jesus did.
On that fateful and stiflingly quite night, the night which the exact date escapes me, the night in which all of the weight of the grief that was crushing my heart and smothering me was more than I could bear, that is the night I would be thrown a genuine life line by my Savior. The struggle of treading the treacherous waters of false theology and trying to save myself from drowning under the waves of disappointment was proving to be too much for me. All the years of trying to keep my head just above the crashing waves of unfulfilled promises were finally nearing an end. As I physically gasped to relieve my air starved lungs, I shattered the darkness with this sincere and violent tearful cry for help, a cry that contained a forbidden question: "Jesus! Why did she have to die?!", I sat bolt upright in bed and I screamed into my pillow, sobbing violently. My poor Robert. He had been such a pillar of strength for me in those physically trying and emotionally dark days, and now I almost gave him a heart attack! There was no immediate answer uttered back, not like the Word of Faith leaders say they get from the Lord. No. Only a quiet stillness. Immediately I noticed that the smothering feeling was gone, and I could breath again. The desperation and heaviness were replaced by a soothing calm and sense that there was a light at the end of that long and very dark tunnel. I was finally leaving the valley of the shadow of death. For the first time in a long time, I slept in peace. I knew he would answer me.